Choice #12: Ancestral
Happiness & High Self-esteem Choice #12: Ancestral
I choose to be the transitional figure in my family
to free future generations from abuse.
Image source: Sunshine & Hurricanes
Thought
Children born in this world are so precious, but they have not always been valued or cared for properly. The many physical, emotional, and psychological scars of many adults today were inflicted upon them as children.
Unfortunately, these same scars are often passed down from generation to generation
as ignorance, bad habits, and abuse spread like a virus among family members.
You can help break this repetitive cycle by completely embracing the gospel of Jesus Christ.
It may also be necessary to get counseling or take parenting classes to learn new skills.
As you teach your children to know and love the Lord, there will be peace in your home
and your family will feel united. Your happiness and self-esteem will grow
as you make personal sacrifices to build a strong, loving family.
—KLF
Scripture
And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord;
and great shall be the peace of thy children.
—Isaiah 54:13
Quote
The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships.
The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is.
And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love.
The ideal God holds for us is to form families in the way most likely
to lead to happiness and away from sorrow.
—Henry B. Eyring
Becoming a Transitional Figure
I first heard the words “transitional figure” from a lecture given at a BYU Education Week class many years ago. The speaker was talking about how he became a “transitional figure” by rejecting the practices and behaviors of his father and the many ancestors who preceded him, whom had all been alcoholics. This man made the decision to change, and he blessed the lives of his own children and grandchildren who followed his example to never taste alcohol.
The following excerpt from the article, Becoming a Transitional Character: Changing Your Family Culture outlines a few suggestions of how people can break destructive family traditions:
No family is perfect--today or at any point in history. But some families get it right a lot more consistently than others. These families cultivate caring and understanding relationships. They work together, play together, and laugh together. They are unified in purpose and in their commitment to one another. Family members support and encourage each other. Parents are dedicated to the success of their marriage and family. In essence, these families create a loving family culture.
Other families are not so ideal. Members may neglect responsibilities, treat each other unkindly, reject and forsake vows, and engage in physically, emotionally, sexually, or spiritually abusive behaviors. They may be manipulative and critical. Some members may abuse alcohol or other drugs. Family members who perpetuate these destructive practices do so at great cost not only to themselves but to future generations as well.
The late Carlfred Broderick, a renowned marriage and family scholar at the University of Southern California, coined the term transitional character and described it this way:
A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage. The changes might be for good or ill, but the most noteworthy examples are those individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children. They break the mold. They refute the observation that abused children become abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics become alcoholic adults, that "the sins of the fathers are visited upon the heads of children to the third and fourth generation." Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives.
What can you do to become a transitional character in your own family? Here are some ideas: (summarized)
Develop a vision of yourself as a transitional character.
Build supportive relationships with strong adults.
Be deliberate about making changes.
Celebrate family rituals.
Create a healthy emotional distance.
Marry at a later age.
Read good books about family life.
Join organizations that can help.
Get an education.
Get additional help if needed.
Check out the following books for ideas to create the marriage and family culture you want to pass on to future generations:
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families (1997) by S. R. Covey.
The Intentional Family: How to Build Family Ties in Our Modern World (1997) by W. J. Doherty.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999) by J. M. Gottman.
Fighting for Your Marriage (2001) by H.J. Markman, S. M. Stanley, and S. L. Blumberg.
Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves (2001) by C. T. Warner.
Written by Kristi Tanner, Research Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
Whether we use the word transitional “character” or “figure,” the message is the same: We can change. We can all change.
If we will completely embrace the correct principles taught by Jesus Christ and get professional help when needed, we can proactively teach our children by our example to not pass on past destructive family behaviors. As our family learned at a drug rehab years ago, “Change is possible.”