Forgive and Forget? No. . . It Doesn’t Come Easily
While doing research about forgiveness in marriage this month, I came across many thoughtfully written articles, YouTube videos, and DVD’s that teach this important, life-transforming principle of forgiveness. My favorite quote is:
“A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers.”
This saying is attributed to Robert Quille and was quoted by Frank Fincham, director of Florida State University’s Family Institute. I agree with this statement, and I’m grateful that both my husband and I have been willing over the years to discuss our problems, forgive each other, and unitedly move forward together in our marriage happily.
I wrote a poem many years ago called, “Forgive and Forget,” which I thought was the answer to many problems in marriage. In doing my research, I learned that to “forget” an offence is usually an on-going process, not just a one-time event.
Forgive and Forget
I
could not
forgive and forget . . .
So
first I
learned to forget . . .
Then
it was
easy to forgive.
Research shows that you will start feeling better sooner when you stop re-playing, on a daily basis, the “video tape” of your spouse’s offences. But I read that these memories may resurface again when you are least expecting them, which can be devastating when they occur. If you know these heart-breaking recollections may come and go occasionally, you’ll be better prepared to deal with them realistically and then be able to put them away once again.
It is true that when we repent of our sins that God “remembers them no more.” I love reflecting on these comforting, reassuring scriptures on forgiveness:
Jeremiah 31: 34
And they shall teach no more every man his neighbour, and every man his brother, saying, Know the Lord: for they shall all know me, from the least of them unto the greatest of them, saith the Lord: for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.
Isaiah 1: 18
Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord : though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.
Doctrine & Covenants 53: 42-43
Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more. By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them.
However, we as humans have not yet reached that state of perfect forgiveness. I learned from my research that when we say the words, “I forgive you,” what we are really saying is, “I’m trying to learn how to forgive you.”
We need to be patient with ourselves and our spouses as we practice this Christ-like quality of forgiveness. The scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 64: 10 speaks these supportive words, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” We can keep trying. We will find peace and happiness in our own lives as we learn to truly forgive each other and also learn to completely forgive ourselves.
We will be blessed as we pray for strength to leave our spouse’s offenses in the past—where they belong—after these offenses have been thoughtfully discussed, true apologies given, reparations paid, and the desire for forgiveness granted. Then, as I say in my forgiveness poem in the ABC’s for a Happy Marriage, you “look forever forward in your marriage.”
The following are some excerpts from four articles on the process of forgiveness in marriage, which have greatly inspired me. I’d like to share these with you, along with some YouTube Videos and DVD’s.
Happy Marriages Require Good Forgivers
Contributed by Marianne Holman, Church News staff writer
Frank Fincham, director of Florida State University’s Family Institute, spoke at the Marjorie Pay Hinckley lecture at BYU on February 21, 2013. Dr. Fincham titled his address “’Til Lack of Forgiveness Doth Us Part: Forgiveness in Marriage” and focused his message on the need for and process of forgiveness in marriage.
“There is nothing more humbling in my experience than to remember the times I’ve needed to be forgiven. It makes my hurt and my unwillingness to forgive seem really, really small and petty of me. Being self-righteous hinders forgiveness. Being humble, remembering the many people who have forgiven you in your life, can help you forgive others.
“We have to overcome our nature in expressing forgiveness,” Dr. Fincham said. “The response to a transgression is usually negative. So how one deals with this response is crucial.”
“When we forgive we do not forget—that is not part of forgiveness. … Forgetting is just a passive removal of the offense from your consciousness. Forgetting often doesn’t work because while you try to forget, it bothers you at some time that you least expect it, and you get destructive in your own behavior and thinking.”
Forgiveness does not include a lack of consequence for the perpetrator, he said. And forgiveness is not no longer feeling pain. He said that if a victim waits until the pain is gone before granting forgiveness, it might take a very long time to ever forgive a person.
“It is not about pretending that unacceptable behavior is, in fact, acceptable,” he said. “We don’t condone the wrong. The wrong is a wrong, and we forgive in full knowledge that we have been wronged and that we deserve better treatment. It is not about trust. Forgiving doesn’t mean trusting the person. It is not about reconciling with the person.
“That is a confusion that is rampant in our culture, that if I forgive I have to be reconciled to the person I’m forgiving,” he said. “It is more like giving up the perceived right to get even. It’s like giving up the attitude ‘You owe me.’”
Give Forgiveness A Chance to Heal Your Marriage
Contributed by David Zyla
How do you forgive someone who has hurt you very deeply? And what if that someone is your spouse? How can your marriage survive and eventually thrive again following a breach of the likes of abuse or an extramarital affair? The ability to move on and forgive under these circumstances is one of the greatest challenges even the most humble and willing among us will ever face. But it is always possible to forgive no matter how great the pain or wide the resulting rift may be. And by doing so, you can build not only a stronger and more intimate marital bond than ever before, but greater awareness and fulfillment as individuals as well.
The old cliché not withstanding, forgiveness actually has nothing to do with forgetting. Think about something quite painful that you’ve experienced at someone else’s hands. Have you forgiven that person? — Hopefully so, for both of your sakes. Yet have you forgotten what happened? — Likely not, especially if the wound was deep. True, forgiveness springs from a conscious shift in perspective, rather than amnesia; it is based on the choice to focus on what makes that person and the relationship so valuable, rather than just the offense. If your marriage has been moderately satisfying and healthy, there is a wealth of positives to help temper your hurt and angry feelings. Invest the effort to consider the ‘big picture’ and forgiveness will be a much easier choice.
Finding Forgiveness in Marriage
Contributed by Gary Chapman
How can I get my spouse to forgive me for the ways I've hurt her over the past couple of years? She's withdrawn from me emotionally, and I'm not sure how to convince her I've changed. Where do I begin to address this problem?
Simply realizing and acknowledging your own failure is a huge step in the right direction. There are many people who find it extremely difficult to humble themselves in this way, especially in a marital situation. So take heart: you're on the right track. If you've confessed your faults to your spouse and he or she is still having a hard time forgiving you, there are some things you can do to help.
In the first place, you can recognize that forgiveness is a process. It ebbs and flows; it starts, stops, and starts again; it gets better and gets worse. No matter what the issue that caused the hurt, forgiveness can be more than just a one-shot decision. Understand that forgiving you may take time, and that if your mate occasionally seems to wrestle with or dwell on what you did, that doesn't necessarily amount to a refusal to forgive. Sights, sounds, and memories can trigger an episode of struggle. If you're impatient or inconsiderate, it will only cause more hurt.
5 Steps to Forgiveness in Marriage
Contributed by iMOM.com
1. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling.
We may not feel like forgiving. We may want to harbor the anger and hurt and make him pay for what he has done. But, once you decide you want to grant forgiveness, you can begin to work through those feelings.
2. Share your hurt.
After your husband has apologized and asked for forgiveness, you need to talk about the matter before you move on. It might be uncomfortable, but you need to share how you feel. Don’t point a finger; just share how you feel so he’ll understand the depth of your hurt. Make sure you feel heard before you move on.
3. Plan for change.
The goal here is not to punish with requirements, but to set up guidelines that you both agree to. That way, there will be fewer gray areas that can lead to disappointment.
4. Stop the video.
Do not replay your husband’s infraction over and over again in your mind. When your mind starts to wander and you begin to dwell on the incident and the hurt it caused you, tell yourself to stop. It’s one thing to need to talk to someone like a pastor or a counselor about your pain so you can move past it, but it’s another when you keep inflicting the pain on yourself by dwelling on the hurt. Deciding to truly forgive your husband is re-committing to your relationship. Don’t sabotage that recommitment by focusing on the negative.
5. Give yourself time.
Just deciding to forgive will not strip away all of the pain. It’s natural to feel raw and disappointed. Go back to step 4 when you need to, and keep choosing to forgive.
YouTube Videos
“Till Lack of Forgiveness Doth Us Part: Forgiveness in Marriage.”
The keynote address from the 2013 Marjorie Pay Hinckley Lecture. Frank Fincham, Florida State University:
“Mad About Marriage”
Forgiveness is vital to any relationship be it marriage, family, friend and more. In this episode of Mad About Marriage, hosts Mike & Gayle Tucker talk with author Dr. Dan B. Allender and professor Tremper Longman about how forgiveness, or lack of it, can destroy a good relationship.
“Why You Need to Say More Than ‘I’m Sorry’”
Dr. Gary Chapman explains how to adopt the apology language style of expressing regret.
DVD’s
Fireproof
Summary: Caleb Holt, a heroic fire captain, values dedication and service to others above all else. But the most important partnership in his life, his marriage, is about to go up in smoke. This movie follows one man's desire to transform his life and marriage through the healing power of faith and fully embrace the fireman's code: Never Leave Your Partner Behind.
War Room
Summary: Filled with heart, humor, and wit, WAR ROOM follows Tony and Elizabeth Jordan, a couple who seemingly have it all—great jobs, a beautiful daughter, their dream home. But appearances can be deceiving. In reality, their marriage has become a war zone and their daughter is collateral damage. With guidance from Miss Clara, an older, wiser woman, Elizabeth discovers she can start fighting for her family instead of against them. As the power of prayer and Elizabeth's newly energized faith transform her life, will Tony join the fight and become the man he knows he needs to be? Together, their real enemy doesn't have a prayer.
The Ministry of Reconciliation
In the October 2018 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder Jefferey R. Holland spoke about forgiveness in his talk entitled, “The Ministry of Reconciliation.” He realistically explains the truth of what forgiveness is and what it is not:
“Forgive, and ye shall be forgiven,” Christ taught in New Testament times. And in our day: “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” It is, however, important for some of you living in real anguish to note what He did not say. He did not say, “You are not allowed to feel true pain or real sorrow from the shattering experiences you have had at the hand of another.” Nor did He say, “In order to forgive fully, you have to reenter a toxic relationship or return to an abusive, destructive circumstance.” But notwithstanding even the most terrible offenses that might come to us, we can rise above our pain only when we put our feet onto the path of true healing. That path is the forgiving one walked by Jesus of Nazareth, who calls out to each of us, “Come, follow me.”
In such an invitation to be His disciple and to try to do as He did, Jesus is asking us to be instruments of His grace—to be “ambassadors for Christ” in “the ministry of reconciliation,” as Paul described it to the Corinthians. The Healer of every wound, He who rights every wrong, asks us to labor with Him in the daunting task of peacemaking in a world that won’t find it any other way.
I testify of the tranquility to the soul that reconciliation with God and each other will bring if we are meek and courageous enough to pursue it. “Cease to contend one with another,” the Savior pled. If you know of an old injury, repair it. Care for one another in love.
My beloved friends, in our shared ministry of reconciliation, I ask us to be peacemakers—to love peace, to seek peace, to create peace, to cherish peace. I make that appeal in the name of the Prince of Peace, who knows everything about being “wounded in the house of [His] friends” but who still found the strength to forgive and forget—and to heal—and be happy.